Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
