You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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