Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
