Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
