are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
