Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
