I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
