didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i think i just lost a toe
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
