Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
