You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Randomize
