First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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