Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
NoShamevember. You game?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
