Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
