If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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