perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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