oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
