hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
