I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
