At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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