it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
