I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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