Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
