I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
