I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
