She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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