I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
