My nipple is on Facebook.
Plan B is the new Plan A
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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