Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
