well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
