dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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