WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
