we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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