you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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