I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
