I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
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