thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
