You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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