Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
