Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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