Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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