I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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