girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
