i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
