??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
