Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
