After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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