Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
