Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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