Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
