I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
